


To the Extreme

by Pathologies



Category: Mao Mao: Heroes of Pure Heart (Cartoon)
Genre: Enemy Lovers, Fluff and Humor, I had to watch the movie Cool as Ice so you better appreciate this, Love/Hate, M/M, One Shot, Trapped, excessive use of the movie Cool as Ice, some make outs, songfic if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:54:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24342361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pathologies/pseuds/Pathologies
Summary: Dance go rush to the speaker that booms, I'm killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom.
Relationships: Mao Mao Mao/Orangusnake
Comments: 4
Kudos: 30





	To the Extreme

At the moment the sheriff’s crew were precariously high, but did Mao Mao care for that? Caring for safety while in the heat of the battle is for lesser heroes. Mao Mao was too much a hero right now, crossing his tempered steel with the laser battle axe of his foe in heated combat, to care for such things.

His partner Badgerclops called from across the tilted pirate ship deck, “Uh Mao Mao? I know you don’t care for safety in the heat of a battle ‘cuz you think that’s for lesser heroes….but weee really need to get off this ship right now! Engine’s gonna go critical!”

One disgruntled cybernetic ostrich threw down his hat in anger, “Did you just break off a gentlemanly engagement to chew the fat with that fellow over yonder?! That—I say, that is most disgraceful and unproperlike!”

The badger gently pushed him aside with his robotic arm, “I literally stopped listening cause like….every other word is a dictionary word and then a word after that is a contraction. Anyway MAO MAO!”

“Rrrgh!” his blade grazes with the laser blade of the axe, creating a stunning sparking effect that went unnoticed, “Kinda busy!” Clash! He batters the axe back, “Be with you!” Clang! The axe comes swinging down to meet the sword’s sharp end, “After I kick Orangusnake’s butt!”

“Oh I’m sorry,” the armored snake-orangutan hybrid chided, “Is the ball and chain over there tugging at your adorable kitty cat feet?”

“First off,” He headbutts Orangusnake’s stomach, which is incidentally an orangutan, “We’re a democracy whereIampresidentwithunlimitedterms,” Orangusnake retaliated with a downward punch, “And second! Ooohf that kind of stings...we respect each other!”

“Suuuuure,” Orangusnake suddenly turned his cape to Mao Mao, folding his arms, “Whatever, go off and do what your doting panda bear says.”

“Dude you’re being kind of offensive on purpose,” the badger said as he aimed his arm cannon and fried Boss Hostritch’s face.

“ARE YOU SERIOUSLY NOT GONNA FIGHT ME?!” sputtered Mao Mao, tugging at his cape.

“That depends, are you gonna,” Orangusnake air quoted, “’Flee for your precious life’?”

“WHY ARE YOU AIR QUOTING?!” Mao Mao’s head vein felt like would pop, “NO ONE SAID THAT IN THE LAST EVER.”

“What are you gonna do,” Orangusnake sneered, “’Ask me politely’ to ‘Stop’?”

“STOP MISUSING QUOTATIONS!” he pointed his sword.

“YO MAO MAO,” Badgerclops boarded the aerocycle, “Let’s goooooo.”

“Go on without me, Badgerclops,” the feline raised his sword above the pink armored pirate’s head as he brought his voice to a growl, “Got a little pink stain to rub oooouuuut.”

“UGH fine!” Badgerclops waved his hand as he called out to Adorabat, “YO ADORABAT you up on this leave train?”

Adorabat was finishing the touches on shoving Rataraang through a neatly-done loop-de-loop of Ramaraffe’s neck, “Okay! I think I juuust got the finishing touches!”

“Ey you think you can finish the pain out of my body? BABOOM…..ehhh….” Rataraang was in agony.

“Ratarang get outta my neck!” Ramaraffe said, “I need that for living and stuff!”

“I would but I’m all tied up….and everything hurtsmama.”

“ARTS AND CRAFTS DON’T GET RIGHTS!” Adorabat screamed before landing on Badgerclops’ shoulder, “Ok let’s go.”

As far as Badgerclops judged, it was great timing on her part. The engines of the pirate ship was going haywire and any minute they would either blow up or fire the whole ship to who-knows-where.

“Wait...” Boss Hostritch, “Y’all mind allowing a scooch for us on that there particular transportation vehicle?”

“I don’t wanna blow up or crash!!!” cried Ramaraffe.

Badgerclops mused, “Mmmmm no. But here’s what I can do:” his arm travels the underside of the ship before producing a round drainage grate, “You can hitch a ride on that. Anyways. Byez. And if you live, Mao Mao: I told you so?”

“Bye Mao Mao,” Adorabat waved, “If you die I’ll take care of all your things! All your things.”

Ramaraffe, Ratarang, and what was left of Hosstritch considered staying for a moment before the engines sparked and spumed a huge volatile pillar of fire in the air. That proved all the convincing they needed. The three sky pirates crowded the grate together and in a loud holler plummeted to the earth. Badgerclops guffawed to himself as he sped away on the aerocycle.

Neither Orangusnake nor Mao Mao took note of their comrades escape nor of the sudden hurtle of the sky pirate ship through the ship as they continued their pitched battle. The feline had his legs wrapped around the snake’s neck, pummeling his crown as Orangusnake’s massive and armored arms tried reaching for the sheriff in vain.

“Urk!” Orangusnake groaned, “That’s...’cheating’!”

“Orangusnake so help me you air quote one more time I obliterate you for real!!!” Mao Mao growled.

In that moment of distraction Orangusnake gained the momentum to throw his back and Mao Mao with it into a wall.

The armored hybrid snickered, “Oh no did you ‘fall’ off my ‘back’?”  
  
Mao Mao drew his sword, “THAT’S IT YOU DIE TEN SECONDS FROM NOW.”

Before he could deliver Orangusnake to his death, the sky pirate ship delivered both of them to a crashing landing against a rocky island. So distracted by their rivalry they didn’t notice the haywire engines ferrying them to a distant island surrounded by an ocean full sharp jutting rocks until both of them had collapsed splaying on the deck.

Mao Mao groaned, taking survey of where they landed, “Ugh...how in….did your broken pirate ship really land us in a death island in the middle of nowhere?” he laughed bitterly, “You guys really suck as sky pirates.”

Orangusnake got up next to him, gesturing to the ship defensively, “Uh HELLO? We wouldn’t have gotten in this mess if you didn’t have to be such a cop and pull the plug on our ship! This is all on you, cop!”

“You forget the part where you LITERALLY POWERED YOUR SHIP WITH THE SWEETYPIE’S TOASTERS!” countered Mao Mao, “How did you think that would go?!”

“They weren’t using it!” whined the pirate.

“YOU WERE LITERALLY GOING ‘I’M STEALING THESE’!”

“OH SO NOW YOU GET TO USE AIR QUOTES?!” shouted Orangusnake.

“OKAY LET’S SETTLE THIS!” Mao Mao put up his fists, not expecting to take a southpaw from an orangutan fist so fast.

Orangusnake giggled, only to meet with a flying kick in his orangutan face. He doubled over, clutching his belly/face as Mao Mao climbed to beat on him some more. Orangusnake grabbed Mao Mao’s leg with his snake mouth, leading to the cat to slap his head with the speed of a bad masseuse. In turn Orangusnake slapped back.

This slapping back and forth continued until both parties separated, panting and waving exhausted, “Okay time out...”

“Time out, yeah,” agreed Mao Mao.

“I just realized something,” Orangusnake drew his knees to his belly, “We’re stranded here. No one’s gonna find us!”

“Badgerclops will find me,” Mao Mao waved his hand away, “Your clown posse….heh. I doubt it.”

“Hey my posse will find me!” the hybrid fell back, “Eventually. Could you maybe give them a hint where I am when you get back?”

“No.” scoffed Mao Mao, “Why would I?”

“Cause what would you do with your boring life? Be a sheriff? Fight monsters? Do arts and crafts with that polar bear and the freakishly small crone?”

“How did you get Badgerclops’ wrong twice? His name is literally—ok you know what you answered your own question,” Mao Mao flipped his cape around, “You need me more than I need you.”

“Oh yeah?” Orangusnake looked worried, “Name like...five more enemies that you scrap with!”

“Um...” Mao Mao eyed the ground, hating the idea of being introspective, “There’s Boss Hosstritch, Ramarrafe, Ratarang….”

“Those are my guys!” Orangusnake yelled.

Mao Mao gave an offended snort, “O-KAY. So maybe at the moment! You are a starter bad guy till I find a better bad guy!”

Orangusnake balked, “A starter bad guy?! Come on I’m better than that! I beat you several times!”

“Almost doesn’t count,” laughed Mao Mao.

“I kept you on your toes!” whined the hybrid.

Mao Mao rose up, “Oooookay, if we’re gonna be stuck here for the night, which I’m sure we will thanks to your hunk of junk, I wanna spend the night doing something else. Got a training room or something?”

“Training what?”

The sheriff pinched the bridge of his nose, “Ugh okay...meditation room with lotus peals and scented candles?”

“Ratarang makes candles from his own ear secretions if that counts,” Orangusnake said, “He’s so creative!”

“NO,” growled Mao Mao, “Okay, how about a movie?! Surely you sky pirates are normal by society’s standards enough to have a movie!”

“Of course!” Orangusnake dramatically waved his cape down below the deck, “Follow me.”

Against his better instinct Mao Mao followed deep below boiler plate hallways till they reached a lumpy futon with a plenty of body imprints on it seated before a couple toy bins and a TV.

“BEHOLD...THE REC ROOM!” Orangusnake cried dramatically, “Not to be confused with the wreck room. Or the recommendation room.”

“Is that a VHS player? Groaned Mao Mao, “WHO USES VHS ANYMORE?!”

“THEY ONLY DISCONTINUED IT A COUPLE YEARS AGO,” countered Orangusnake, “IT’S NOT LIKE IT’S ANCIENT TECHNOLOGY!”

“A couple years?! Try a DECADE!” Mao Mao shook his ears, jumping up to pat his paws on the futon like most cats do to get comfortable, “Look, just show what movies you got.”

“See? Was that hard?” Orangusnake rifled through the VHS bin, “We got Boss Hostritch’s ‘Night Court’ and ‘Magnum PI’ tapes!”

“No,” Mao Mao knew he could do his job better than any of those clowns on those tapes and would spend his time complaining about the inaccuracies.

“I got Ramaraffe’s ‘Extreme Gladiators’!”

“Is that like to the death combat or…?”

“No it’s mostly just...people in padded uniforms knocking each other off with giant q-tips and being caught by trampolines.”

“NEXT!”

“Oooh!” Orangusnake produced a colorful tape, “’The Big Comfy Couch’! Ratarang loves this one!”

“Do I look like a toddler!?”

“I don’t know what your learning level is!” he rifles again before turning his snake head back with a gleeful, almost creepy grin, “Oh I know...”

“What...” Mao Mao grew afraid.

“Only the greatest movie you’ll ever see in your life,” Bam! Orangusnake produced a VHS cover with what looked like a wolf wearing the most obnoxious looking set of word-salad hoodies and neon parachute pants leaning against an obnoxious bike and a sort of disinterested squirrel in a jean jacket, “’Cool as Ice’! ‘When a girl has a heart of stone, there’s only one way to melt it. Just add ice.’”

Mao Mao’s curiosity mingled with disgust was visible, “What is wrong with that man. Why does just looking at him make me want to punch him?”

Orangusnake popped the VHS in and sat next to the cat, “This is a movie triumph! It make me what I am!”

“I thought crime and repeatedly losing is what did that,” said Mao Mao.

“SHHHH,” Orangusnake shushed, “You can’t appreciate Ice’s style till you’ve seen it...in action.” With those words he hit play.

For a good half an hour of the movie, Mao Mao watched the saga of this wolf who tried passing himself as both a badass and a rapper (who clearly wasn’t both) badass himself into a sleepy suburb and he did it the entire time with his head in his hands. Orangusnake on the other hand, sat giddy with such rapturous attention. Mao Mao, if he was being honest, was watching Orangusnake’s reactions to the movie more than the movie itself. This big off-the-handle sky pirate was just so engrossed in this extremely dated story it was almost...cute?

Mao Mao covered his mouth. Just in case his orangutan head was psychic.

“ _Words of wisdom_ ,” said the TV, “ _Drop that zero and get with a hero._ ”

“See how great this is?” said Orangusnake, “Ice just does everything with a casual disregard for the establishment and society, he follows his own code to get with the woman he loves and take on the world with his merry band of brothers! They’re just free to be bad boys to the extreme!”

Mao Mao folds his arms, “Looks to me he’s just being obnoxious to everyone he meets..All he’s done with this ‘love interest’ is just insult her and follow her around. He’s not a rebel, he’s just a jackass who can’t take no for an answer. And his ‘friends’ are just a convenient posse with matching bikes that get out of the way when he wants them gone.”

They hybrid has never looked so offended in his life, “Fff—pp—WHAT?! How did you get THAT from the movie?!”

“Bouncing up and down in a hoodie with the ugliest printed fonts and going ‘yep yep’ and doing bad rhyming is NOT a code!”

Orangusnake sputtered, “Why do you have to criticize everything I like?! Do you have to put down everything I do?! Do you hate me that much?!”

“Oh Orangusnake, Orangusnake,” sighed Mao Mao, sagely shaking his head,“I don’t criticize you because I hate you, I do it to give you a sense of shame society has clearly never given you. In that way you have a chance to self reflect and grow to become a villain that isn’t so embarrassing!

The snake-orangutan was fuming, pointing at Mao Mao “You know what I THINK?! I think your head is so wrapped up in what is based and cringe that you’re afraid to show genuine love for anything! But you know what, Mao Mao?” he got dead close to the feline’s face, “You’re just...a giant...cringe baby. One biiiig cringe baby.”

Mao Mao shoved the cobra head away, “Ok never use based and cringe in any context ever again. I’m sorry I don’t get this masterpiece of a guy who wears sunglasses ninety percent of the time!”

“THE DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY WON SEVERAL BOFTAS.” seethed Orangusnake, “HOW MANY BOFTAS DID YOU WIN, MAO MAO?!” The armored hybrid pulled his cape around himself to sulk, “No you know what, just forget it. Let’s just watch the movie in silence.”

“Fine by me,” grumbled Mao Mao.

The braincell-killing plot barreled on ahead without regard for life for pentameter. But even as Ice rapped in a weird ‘sugarshack’ that made him wish he didn’t have ears, he watched Orangusnake view the movie with that same hurt pout. Weird...did he feel guilty? No he didn’t. La la la la you can’t hear him, telepathic orangutan head.

Later to great disbelief, Ice and the girl somehow agreed to go out on a date in the movie. Where do they go? Oh a construction site, that makes sense, Mao Mao thought.  
  
As he was sitting with his head in the palm of his hand, he heard Orangusnake giggling. He yawned, “Can the evil wait in the morning, Orangusnake?”

“Hehe it’s not that,” snickered Orangusnake, “I just...I never realized how weird this scene was before. I mean, why is their first date at an empty construction site? Who does that?”

Mao Mao chuckled, “I dunno...doesn’t he follow a code?”

“Hey don’t diss Vanilla Ice but,” giggled the hybrid, “Look at what they’re doing! They’re just...jumping around! To a musical montage! In slow motion!”

“I mean come on Orangusnake,” said Mao Mao, “Don’t you take your babe to a construction site and just leap in the air like you’re on a tramp—AHAHA WHY IS IT SUDDENLY SUNSET?!”

“AND ON HER HORSE?!” cackled Orangusnake, “DID SHE BRING THE HORSE THERE?!”

Both of them broke into uproarious laughter as they watched this ‘date’ play out with the characters switching back and forth between riding Ice’s bike and the girl’s horse. Orangusnake wiped the corner of his eye, catching his breath, “Ehe...maybe this movie is kind of dumb….”

“Hey don’t sweat yourself,” Mao Mao sighed, “I like some stuff Some people Might consider dumb. I got just...tons of Lucky Ducky memorabilia everywhere! Dumb, right?”

Orangusnake lightly chuckled, “Aha no way. But I could totally use that against you, you know.”

“Yeah, and I would have to feed your snake head to your orangutan mouth while throwing you down a scorpion nest!” Mao Mao said gleefully.

Both of them laughed, lacking malice for each other.

The mood after that changed. Orangusnake and Mao Mao relaxed, both of them just resting against the futon. Mao Mao actually started getting into the movie. It was weird, he was getting into the girl’s story more than anything. An overachieving wunderkind who comes from a family that had extreme expectations for her? And the fact that something different came along she was starting to question that life path laid out for her and it was causing inner turmoil? ….or maybe he was reading too much into it.

Either way, he was enraptured with this clown in the shorts backing up his bike and sharing a conversation with this jean-outfit girl.

“ _Yeah, I imagine someone put you up to that reason. Tell me one thing; who you bein’ true to now?_ ”

Mao Mao didn’t realize it, but he was leaning against Orangusnake’s side. Orangusnake didn’t realize it till he actually looked down. If only he was telepathic. Carefully, so carefully he threw his arm over Mao Mao’s shoulder, gently pulling the cape over Mao Mao’s body.

The movie continued on, the subplot about corrupt goons coming to a head when they kidnap the girl’s brother and Vanilla Ice drives through a goddamn wall in a show of bravado.

“See how cool that is?!” Orangusnake gasped, “See, Ice is his own man.”

“I don’t know why they didn’t just hire a PI if her kid brother’s life was at stake and not put it in the hands of a guy who has two different hair styles at the same time,” laughed Mao Mao.

“Cause it’s not as COOL.” hissed Orangusnake.

Mao Mao rolled his eyes, “Ok fine fine.” He grinned when Ice whaled on the goons, “Hey look it’s what we do to you guys on a daily basis.”

“No you don’t do it like Ice does.”

Mao Mao rose, not even noticing Orangusnake’s arm around him this whole time, “So you saying if I wore the 90’s dumpster while I beat you up, you’d be more into it?”

“Wow totally taking the words out of my mouth!” Orangusnake folded his arms.

“Admit iiiit,” sneered Mao Mao, “You’re totally into Vanilla Ice.”

Those eyes, green and stabbing like justice, Orangusnake tried to look away but he couldn’t resist telling to truth, “OKAY maybe...a little bit?”

“I bet you totally have that stupid jacket and everything,” snickered Mao Mao.

“...so what if I did.”

“AHA! I knew it!” Mao Mao rapidly sped off before reappearing with the hoodie jacket in question.

“How did you find that so fast?!” gasped Orangusnake.

Mao Mao smugly raised it, “It’s a hero’s job to have successfully profiled his enemy down to where he might put his garments-slash-laid hap-hazardly on the floor.” He delicately put it on, an outfit proven to dwarf his whole body, forcing him to roll up the sleeves, “So Orangusnake, am I cool as ice enough?”

The hybrid felt himself sputtering out of control, “I...I...”

Mao Mao felt himself spiraling out of control in a different way. This was psychological warfare right? That’s what this was. He leaned in, gazing at both the orangutan and the snake heads, “Words of wisdom Orangusnake: drop the zero….and get with a hero.”

He really can’t believe he said that.

Orangusnake was fizzling like a sparkler on a sidewalk, red as one hit with a sparkler. He really said that! The snake leaned in to kiss Mao Mao just as Ice started his credits rap.

Mao Mao, expecting everything including a snake kiss, still frizzled by the sensation of kissing your enemy in really trashy 1990s rap wear. But as Orangusnake laid back, allowing Mao Mao to cuddle up to his expansive armored chest, swapping kisses as Ice continued to rap.

“ _I don’t even sweat ‘em. I love a girl and dis the same one. Cause you know there’s more where that came from_.”

They stopped pecking at each other’s muzzles and soon collapsed into a deep sleep. It seemed the day of whaling on each other finally caught up to them.

Mao Mao woke to Badgerclops’ voice booming on a megaphone, “YO BABY THE CALVARY’S HERE.”

Both scrambled off the futon, awkwardly laughing and not sharing a glance nor explaining last night at all to each other.

Badgerclops and Adorabat received a big surprise as Mao Mao stepped out in the gaudiest hoodie jacket with Orangusnake in tow.

“Told you they were smooching all night,” Adorabat beamed

“Yeah you were right,” Badgerclops sighed, paying up, “Man why am I in so deep to a five year old?”

Behind the aerocycle collapsed the familiar sky pirates crew. Ramaraffe cried, “BOSS! You’er aliiiive! I got Ratarang outta my neck by the way.”

“Man I TOLD y’all not to hitch!” groaned Badgerclops before returning his attention to Mao Mao, “Wow….what is that?”

Mao Mao rubbed the back of his head, “It’s uh...it’s a long story...can we go home now?”

The badger cyborg scooped him up on the aerocycle, “You know it.”  
  
“And leave out no detail. Or else,” Adorabat said.

“Wait yous just gonna leave us here?!” said Ratarang.

“I don’t wanna be stranded on sharp rock island!” said Ramaraffe.

“Eh you’ll be okay. Are you guys not always okay?” asked the badger.

“No...we’re okay…..” said the sky pirates in unison.

Orangusnake ran up to Mao Mao, “Wait...so you’re out of here?”

Mao Mao gave a wry smile, quoting Vanilla Ice, “Just like yesterday.”

Far more than any moment in his life, Orangusnake was beaming, eyes shimmering as the trio sped off. At least until Ratarang said, “Ey boss they’re leaving us!”

“Oh.”

“You know,” Badgerclops said to Mao Mao, “We’re gonna have to check that for like fleas.”

“And burn it.” added Adorabat.

**Author's Note:**

> Why did I make Vanilla Ice's fursona a wolf? Wolves have had it good for too long.


End file.
